Ash Wednesday Woes

Even now, says the Lord, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning; Rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God. For gracious and merciful is he, slow to anger, rich in kindness, and relenting in punishment. Perhaps he will again relent and leave behind him a blessing…
Joel 2, 12-14a

Ash Wednesday, and I did it all. Fasting. Weeping. Mourning. Rending heart. Well, most of it. The “return to the Lord, your God” is in process.

My day started out at the doctors office. 7:30 am. That alone is mortification. The early appointment was to insure I would not be late for work. I left too sore to go to work. Stopped by my local church hoping for Mass and ashes. Too late. Drove to another church. Just a little late. Stayed through ashes and Eucharist.

I came home, had toast with a smear of low fat cream cheese (ever notice how low fat cheese kind of shines, plastic-like? Not good.) and sat at my computer to work on revising, yet again, my book proposal.

Not long into the project my Ash Wednesday woes began: I am NEVER going to finish this project. When I do finish this project (because I have spent too many years and too much money not to finish) it will not be good enough. Never good enough. The spiral had begun.

My nephew emailed: He didn’t get the call from the university down the street. We were all hoping he would. Thinking of my mother, I emailed back that when something doesn’t work as we hope it’s because there is something better waiting for you somewhere else. I tried to believe it.

Back to the book. My daughter emailed. She will defend her thesis in March. When to have to big party? Working around family schedules is always a challenge. A few emails later we were still without a date, but had a window. Why is everyone else busy with important, or more appealing- fun, things but me? Weddings. Babies. New careers. Trips. Ah, the Woes were gaining hold.

I began to mourn: Failed marriage. Not making enough money to pay my bills. No one coming over to reassure me. No shoulder to cry on. That never stops me. The weeping woes were coming on.

Back to the book. How long have I been working on this thing? Will it ever find a home on some publishers desk? In readers’ hands?

You get the picture. I was deep into Ash Wednesday. Felt like I was doing Lent in twenty-four hours. I ate tomato soup and grilled cheese. And more cheese on crackers.
I had done a good job of getting sweets out of my house on fat Tuesday, baking and giving away brownies, but made up for it with cheese. Lately, fasting is not my strength.

Lent not one day old and already I had blown it.

Maybe I should look for a different job? I need more money. I need…

“Be still and know I am God,” my little brother quoted to me over the phone. When did he get so wise?

“Turn off your brain. Go to bed.”

I did. Before sleep came, I invited God into my heart. Into a deep place. Who knows. Maybe God will leave a blessing.