Surprised by Wisdom

Surprised by Wisdom

Do you have storage places that hold treasures for years, tucked back into an overlooked corner or hidden beneath a pile of unused linens or clothing?  Something special enough to keep but long forgotten. While looking through my cedar chest the other day, I lifted a heavy item encased in paper and bubble wrap from beneath a stack of dishtowels. I carefully removed the packaging and caught my breath.

There was a red clay sculpture of cupped hands made by my youngest daughter decades ago when she was in middle school. It used to sit on an end table in our home, but after moving into a small apartment 13 years ago, I stored it along with other things I wanted to keep but had no place to display.

I held the sculpture and followed their easy curve with my fingers. As they moved over the red clay, a tightness that had taken up residence in my body and spirit began to loosen. Long fed by fear and worry, the fist curled up in my gut began to unclench. The hands offered an invitation: Relax. Open. I tried.

A cleansing sigh passed through my lips. Tears and laughter pushed each other about in their rush to respond. I sat back on a nearby chair, closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The sculpture conveyed a profound sense of receptivity. Solid and steady, they seemed comfortable with vulnerability. Something, it seems, often I am not.

What, I wondered, sustains such an attitude as I move through life? Trust, I think. Trust that in the end, good will prevail. Faith in a pervasive Goodness that enlivens and dwells within and without all creation. It is called by many names: God, Love, Ground of Being, and it persists even through suffering and dangerous times. How else to explain a John Lewis? The thousands of refugees risking lives to walk to our borders? Gazans who rise each morning determined to survive. People around the globe who endure disasters, both of natural origin and those brought upon them by systemic injustice, and people motivated by ignorance, fear, and hatred.

Many open-hearted people don’t just survive. They go forward to do good where they are. Somehow, they see beyond their current situation and trust that in the big picture even small efforts make a difference. They refuse to give into cynicism and despair, believing as others have that “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

This desire to give is another gift of openness and trust.

You may see such people in a parking lot collecting petition signatures to demand change in gerrymandered maps and voter suppression or sharing food at a drive-through pantry. They are companions and, as Mr. Rogers called them, “helpers.”

This sense of embrace is another gift the cupped-hands sculpture offered. My neighbor felt it too. She came over for dinner and saw them sitting on the small stand that sits beneath a mirror at one end of the dining table. I had made space for them between a vigil candle, some poetry books, and a Galileo’s thermometer. She looked at them for a while and, not taking her gaze from them, said, “They are so welcoming.”

Yes. The hands expressed willingness to hold. To comfort and care. To simply “be with,” which isn’t simple at all. They conveyed not only openness but also hope. The little hands reminded me that I am held and loved and treasured for what who I am and what I have been given to share, when I’m up for it and when I’m not.

Detail of painting by Richard Duarte Brown
Detail of painting by Richard Duarte Brown

The sculpture encouraged me to open and receive whatever each day would bring. To trust that no matter what it was, that the Goodness and Love in the world, in people, in community, would hold it with me. To suffer. To celebrate. To work. To rest. I wouldn’t have to hold it alone.

It reminded me that sometimes I need the hands of others and sometimes I must be the hands for others, living with faith in Goodness even in dark times.

How did the small sculpture communicate all that? Did they always, and I was just too busy raising kids, working, and navigating a difficult marriage to notice? No. It is the gift of true art of all kinds. Art isn’t a static creation. It’s an encounter, a conversation. What the painting, drawing, words, or music communicate has as much to do with the one who experiences them as it does with what the artist has given. Different grace at different times depending on what the observer brings: Fullness. Need. Joy. Despair.

The little hands spoke to the need I brought. I’m grateful for the moment to hear them.

…yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world… Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

Teresa of Avila
Sinking Into the Heart

Sinking Into the Heart

Anyone else have problems being present to the moment? It’s the mantra of contemplatives and mystics across the ages, of all faith traditions and of none. Sounds simple, but it’s not.

Three months have passed since I last published a column. That was the time frame I gave myself before returning to “regular” life routines after having knee-replacement surgery.

During the early days of recovery, I lay on the couch feeling completely useless, dependent on my daughters for just about everything from getting up and down, making it to the bathroom, and walking around the house to fixing food, doing exercises, and icing the knee. Not surprising for the first week or two. But as weeks passed, I became impatient with myself, aware mostly of all the stuff I wasn’t doing.

No Zoom groups: London Writers’ Salon, Lectio, book club. No writing: journaling, columns, book project. No reading despite having a stack of Donna Leon mysteries sitting on the bookcase. I couldn’t sit long enough to get through a chapter. All the stuff that made me feel like I was accomplishing something. Connecting with people. Being a worthwhile human being. I could do none of it.

I dreaded nighttime. Sleep was elusive and when it came, it came in short spurts – an hour or two now and again. Depression inched its way into my psyche.

The challenge was to live what I write about: the grace of being open to the present moment. Easier said (or written) than done.

Woman standing on banks of York River looking at the Supermoon on the horizon
Supermoon over the York River

This topic recently came up during lunch with a good friend. Sipping hot coffee on a surprisingly cool morning at an outdoor café, I shared my struggle. She reflected on the role of surrender in prayer. “Surrender” is a word often found in contemplative literature. It’s not one I use. It feels old and uncomfortable to me, conjuring images of failure, domination, militarism, and patriarchy. Someone wins and someone loses. In my experience, God doesn’t require surrender but receptivity. I prefer something like “letting go,” or “opening up,” but understand the intended meaning here. It says “Sorry, but you’re not in control.” And don’t people mostly want to feel like they are in control?

I certainly did. I was faithful with all prescribed exercises and prompt for PT sessions. My daughter who cared for me during the first ten days created a chart to make sure medications were taken on time. The second daughter did the same for at home exercises. I didn’t miss a pill or a rep. I would be back to “normal,” whatever that is, soon, soon, soon!

Not so much.

My memory may be less than accurate, but surely, I recovered more rapidly after my first knee replacement. My daughter said, “no.” OK. With a nod to the physical changes that occur over a decade, I conceded that my older body needed a bit more time. But not too much more. Not with me in control, doing all the right things at the right times.

Be still and know I am God

Psalm 46:10

Eventually, reality wore me down until all I could do was what my friend named over salad and soup: sinking into the Presence within. Like theologian Howard Thurman’s “centering down.” Or 17th century Carmelite, Brother Lawrence’s admonition to “practice the Presence.”  It wasn’t so much a giving up of control as it was a recognition that I never had it in the first place. At least not of everything. We can decide how to respond in our immediate situations, but things happen that we have no power to change. I still did all my exercises, took medications on time, and went to PT. But I began to open to the grace of the moment and embrace some truths I knew but forgot:

– I needn’t be constantly productive to be worthwhile. Simply being is enough.

– My “work” for the moment was to heal, not to write the next column or book.

– Good, loving people filled my life, especially my daughters, family, friends, and medical staff.

– I am a human being with a body that is sometimes broken and that is always getting older.

– Life is a series of letting go and receiving.

– I can savor the life I have, the things I can do that bring me joy.

Orange Day Lily with sparkling drops of dew
Day Lily on a Morning Walk

And the one truth that encompasses all others: I exist, along with everyone and everything else, in the Mystery of Being, the Source, the Connector of all that is. It’s good to sink into that knowing, to lift my heart to Holy Presence all around and to find it within, no matter the name I give to it, content with being held and loved by Love itself.

Photos by Mary van Balen

References

London Writers’ Salon

Howard Thurman in Meditations of the Heart

Br. Lawrence Practice of the Presence trans. Carmen Acevedo Butcher