Originally published in the Catholic Times March 10, 2013 vol. 62:22
The fourth Sunday of Lent already? Impossible. I’m not where I thought I’d be. Spiritually speaking, that is. Each year I think it will different. I’ll be more disciplined when it comes to food. Each morning will start quietly with undisturbed time for prayer. I won’t succumb to temptations of playing Free Cell or Sudoku on my iPad.
This year I thought I had more attainable goals. In fact, I had but one: give myself “soul time.” Time for my spirit to breathe and, as an old African story goes, catch up with my body. This goal seemed reasonably attainable four weeks ago. I have been forced to admit that some behaviors have a stronger hold on me that I thought.
For example, living alone, by nightfall I am often ready for some human “noise” in the house. I turn on the television, tune Netflix to reruns or maybe a less than riveting movie, turn away from the screen and drift to sleep, listening.
A perfect time for ” soul room” I told myself on Ash Wednesday.I am comfortable with silence and spend much of my time at home quietly. Why not fall asleep listening to rain or wind, reading poetry, or simply being aware of God’ Presence? I had not counted on my reluctance to do so. Despite spiritual reading and poetry books on the bed stand, old habits hang on. I have managed some more contemplative bedtimes, but its work to choose them.
And then there are two computer games on my tablet. I tell myself they give my brain a rest or possibly even work some different areas of gray matter, but the truth is they are addictive. Perhaps its the sense of closure that comes with successfully filling in the squares of numbers in Sudoku or racking up a high score by ordering the cards in solitaire with the fewest moves and quickest time. Other life projects are long term. Like writing a book. I measure that one in years. Finishing something in a matter of a couple minutes feels good. The problem is, minutes add up.
I pondered these things while driving to an appointment with my spiritual director. If you have taken advantage of spiritual direction, you know that sessions often begin with neither director nor directee having an idea of where the time will take them. So it was with me that day. I certainly hadnt expected a deeper understanding of my Lenten discipline or my difficulty in keeping it. Well, thats the Spirit for you.
As the hour unfolded, conversation shed new light on them, and on my struggle to be faithful.
Computer games and falling asleep to TV dialogue were not the problem. Not really. They are symptoms of something else: of filling up every available minute with noise and activity, planning events and keeping in touch, work and shopping. Of being willing to give my time and energy away to any and all in need of them. Nothing wrong with any of those things, but choosing them most of the time has meant not choosing something else: quiet time with God.
Those who are regular readers of this column know that I am a champion of meeting God in just those kinds of things, the ordinary events and experiences of daily life. Along with Br. Lawrence, I am still a believer in his practicing the presence of God in the kitchen as well as in church.
But I also know that in any relationship, wasting time together is essential. Doing nothing but being there. It feeds the spirit and helps each person to not only know and love the other, but also to grow in understanding and love of self. It gives room for being yourself and being loved for it.
That was at the root of my desire for soul time. Down deep, I sensed a need. A need for intimacy with God that helps me to remember who I am and to remain aware of Divine Presence within in the midst of lifes activities. It informs my choices and enables me to act out of the reality of who God made me to be.
I dont know how this happens exactly. I just know that sometimes I need to make a special effort to provide time and space for the Spirit to do her work. Soul time. Good thing Lent is only half over.
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