PHOTO: PAUL JASMER, OSB, Scillia bifolia
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud,
be gracious to me and answer me!
“Come,” my heart says, “seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, do I seek.
Do not hide your face from me.
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart, take courage;
wait for the Lord!
Ps 27, 7-9,; 13-14

This Psalm expresses what was in my heart as I drove down the highway towards my former home yesterday. I was heading down to pick out wall paint for my brother to use as we prepare the house for sale. I was overwhelmed with all the loose ends in my life: no job, no sure plans for the fall, a dissolution that takes time to work through, and my father had taken a turn for the worse, needing more hands to help day and night.

“Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud, be gracious to me and answer me!” Those words could have been my own as I had what I sometimes call a “Tevia moment” with God, calling out through my tears: “I am worn out. I have had it. Answer me! I have chosen to work for the poor, for your church, for my family. Now I need something to open up for me!”

(As I write, I remember a story told at the Abbey about an old monk who could sit quietly no longer as younger monks debated the appropriateness of the cursing psalms in modern liturgy. They wanted to do away with them. The old monk stood, slammed his hand on the table and said, “The cursing psalms are my whole spirituality!” Yesterday I would have voted with him, hands down.)

After a good cry and a heart to heart with the Holy One, I felt a little better. I arrived back home a few hours later, only to retreat upstairs to my office where I could cry again. My brother came up, lent me his shoulder and I had a good sob. We talked and laughed and he shared his faith with me. Mine was a little shaky.

Finally, though, I was able to move to the ending of Psalm 27 and pray it with fervor equal to the emotion I gave to the beginning verses: Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”

I do seek God’s face. I want to be strong and take courage as I wait. I just need to feel some of God’s love while I do it. To experience God’s compassion for ME, I need to be still and be attentive to that Presence within me and in the world. I need to be “Wide Awake,” as I tell my writing students. I can’t move through my days waiting for God to hit me over the head with something. I need to be open, aware, and present to the moment, for as my head knows so well, that is where God is.

On Saturday, I was attentive. I even wrote in the notebook that is always with me. I was taking a break from the house and had decided to see a movie (“The Last Station.” I highly recommend it.) before heading for the local coffee shop to work on my computer. The street was busy and with cars parked on both sides, I pulled over to let an oncoming car slip through the narrow lane before I did. The driver smiled and waved his hand in thanks as he drove by. I waved back and smiled.

“It;s the little things that, if one is attentive, make a difference. In a brief moment I had connected with someone on a sunny Saturday morning and it felt good. The cashier at the old movie theater was pleasant as were the other six people who came to see the movie.

My favorite big table with padded seat that curved around it was open at the coffee shop, so I could spread out and have a little privacy as I worked. The pomegranate green tea was delicious and the pumpernickel/onion bagel with light cream cheese hit the spot.

Yesterday’s tears washed my eyes clean and for the moment, at least, I am praying my way through long days and night’s at Dad’s wide awake and expectant.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

Painting by Ford Maddox Brown

Then he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cupfrom me; yet, not my will by yours be done.
Lk 2241-42

Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus,
who, though he was in the form of God
did not regard equality with God
as something to be exploited,
but emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
being born in human likeness.
And being found in human form,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to the point of death –
even death on a cross.
Phil 2, 6-8

“Humble God” is an oxymoron, or so it would seem; but Jesus’ coming to be with us was humble from his birth to his death. He was always and completely who he had chosen to be: God embracing human form in order to reveal inclusive Divine Love and Mercy. His willingness to walk among us is beyond human comprehension. His willingness to accept death on a cross is humility beyond imagining. Yet, he Most Holy Mystery moved among us and showed us how to live, remaining faithful to his mission of Love.

Palm Sunday readings are full of images of Jesus’ humility. He accepted the weaknesses of his friends and endured their betrayal; he prayed to be spared agonizing death on a cross, but accepted the inevitable climax to his prophetic life. He did not ask to be more than the human flesh he had willingly assumed. Jesus did not defend himself or call on angels to do it for him as some who taunted him suggested.

Instead, he was pure Love until his last breath, forgiving those who killed him and praying for mercy since they did not know what they were doing. This is a God who calls us to follow in his footsteps, to love with every ounce of our being.

PAINTING: “HUMILITY” BY CHIDI OKOYE
Jesus, my heart weeps when I remember your final days on earth. Your death shows me what I could not imagine: An all-powerful God suffering by choice, to provide an example of what I must do to become one with you; I, too, must be humble, willing to embrace what comes as a reuslt of my efforts to remain faithful to who you made me to be, a tiny reflection of your Love on earth.

Help me see opportunities to be humble as gifts, not as something to avoid, but something to embrace as you did.

PHOTO OF SR. DOROTHY STANG
Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him. But some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what he had done. So the chief priests and the Pharisees called a meeting of the council, and said, “What are we to do? This man is performing many signs. If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and destroy both our holy place and our nation…They [the Jews] were looking for Jesus and were asking one another as they stood in the temple, “What do you think? Surely he will not come to the festival, will he?”
Jn 11, 45-48;56

Today’s gospel is filled with tension and confusion. As I read, I can feel the pace speeding up. Many who heard him believed in him; others ran to the religious authorities to report his activities. No on knew what to do and they wondered what Jesus would do next. Surely, some said, he would not show up at the festival; he must know that he was a hunted man. The Pharisees and priests were panicky, and as is often the case when people do not understand something in their midst, they were afraid. They were afraid of Jesus, afraid of his followers, and afraid of what might happen to their power if the Romans came to put down unrest.

Jesus was a holy man who preached a radical message of mercy and forgiveness for all. His very presence caused confusion and polarized the Jews. Some heard his message, found hope, and believed. Others were scandalized. How could God’s favor be for all? Some worried about their position of leadership and power. No one who heard Jesus could remain neutral.

The uproar caused by Truth and God’s Word was not limited to ancient history. The same happens in today’s world. Think of Dorothy Stang, the Notre Dame sister who was murdered as she worked with indigenous people to save the rain forest and protect the common people from those exploiting them and the great natural resource. Think of Nelson Mandela, Caesar Chavez, Shirin Ebadi, and others who have stood for truth and suffered because of it.

The powerful authorities in his world were unable to embrace Jesus and his revelation of God, and motivated by anger, greed, and fear, they killed him. Those who witness to truth and God’s kingdom today are often met with similar reactions, especially when they threaten the status quo. While our world is filled with violence, fear, ignorance, and greed, it is also blessed with modern prophets who challenge those in power to acknowledge the work of God we are called to do.

Holy One, we pray for strength to stand for justice, peace, and compassionate love in our world, and we give thanks for those whose lives and words speak your truth to power, regardless of personal cost.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO OF SR. DOROTHY STANG
Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him. But some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what he had done. So the chief priests and the Pharisees called a meeting of the council, and said, “What are we to do? This man is performing many signs. If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and destroy both our holy place and our nation…They [the Jews] were looking for Jesus and were asking one another as they stood in the temple, “What do you think? Surely he will not come to the festival, will he?”
Jn 11, 45-48;56

Today’s gospel is filled with tension and confusion. As I read, I can feel the pace speeding up. Many who heard him believed in him; others ran to the religious authorities to report his activities. No on knew what to do and they wondered what Jesus would do next. Surely, some said, he would not show up at the festival; he must know that he was a hunted man. The Pharisees and priests were panicky, and as is often the case when people do not understand something in their midst, they were afraid. They were afraid of Jesus, afraid of his followers, and afraid of what might happen to their power if the Romans came to put down unrest.

Jesus was a holy man who preached a radical message of mercy and forgiveness for all. His very presence caused confusion and polarized the Jews. Some heard his message, found hope, and believed. Others were scandalized. How could God’s favor be for all? Some worried about their position of leadership and power. No one who heard Jesus could remain neutral.

The uproar caused by Truth and God’s Word was not limited to ancient history. The same happens in today’s world. Think of Dorothy Stang, the Notre Dame sister who was murdered as she worked with indigenous people to save the rain forest and protect the common people from those exploiting them and the great natural resource. Think of Nelson Mandela, Caesar Chavez, Shirin Ebadi, and others who have stood for truth and suffered because of it.

The powerful authorities in his world were unable to embrace Jesus and his revelation of God, and motivated by anger, greed, and fear, they killed him. Those who witness to truth and God’s kingdom today are often met with similar reactions, especially when they threaten the status quo. While our world is filled with violence, fear, ignorance, and greed, it is also blessed with modern prophets who challenge those in power to acknowledge the work of God we are called to do.

Holy One, we pray for strength to stand for justice, peace, and compassionate love in our world, and we give thanks for those whose lives and words speak your truth to power, regardless of personal cost.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

The Jews took up stones again to stone him. Jesus replied, “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these are you going to stone me?” The Jews answered, “It is not for a good work that we are going to stone you, but for blasphemy, because you, though only a human being, are making yourself God.” Jesus answered, …If I am not doing the works of my Father, and then do not believe me. But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, so that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father.”
Jn 10, 31-33, 37-38

Jesus was telling the Jews to judge him by his works. If they could not accept his words and the language he used to explain his relationship to the Holy One, then he directed them to recognize God’s work in him. The Jews were unable to see what was in front of them in part because they could not suspend judgment that was a reaction to Jesus’ words long enough to consider his life and his actions.

How often do we react negatively when someone’s speech challenges what we have been taught and what we believe without considering the person standing in front of us? Not taking into consideration his or her life and work? We have seen extreme examples of this behavior recently during the debate and vote on the healthcare act that passed the US Senate today. People were quick to judge and attach labels, sometimes hateful, to those who disagreed with their position. The focus became the defeat of the opposing party rather than fixing a broken healthcare system.

Jesus’ claim to be God’s son was repulsive and offensive to many of the Jews. We can understand their dilemma: They knew this man and where he had come from. How could he be God’s son, and how could he have the audacity to ask them to believe such an impossibility? Words could not convince. In today’s reading, even actions did not suffice.

We might judge Jesus’ contemporaries harshly, wondering how they could possibly want to stone the Son of God who was living a live of peace and compassionate love as well as healing the sick and feeding the hungry in their midst. Before we do, let’s look at our own track record of responding to people in our midst who do good works and strive to live in a way that will foster peace and understanding. What if that person is homosexual? What if she is an illegal immigrant? Perhaps the man who volunteers at the soup kitchen or who works at a low paying job that serves the poor in our communities has done time in prison? What if the one who volunteers at the local afterschool center is a devout Muslim or the transsexual who organizes clothing drives or helps stock the food pantry is an atheist.

How do we react to these people, all children of God? We are called to remember Jesus’ words and recognize God’s work in people we are tempted to write off or ignore: If I am not doing the works of my Father, and then do not believe me. But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, so that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father.”

© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO: ANN RICKSON

Then the Jews said to him, “You are not yet fifty years old,
and have you seen Abraham?”
Jesus said to them, “Very truly , I tell you,
before Abraham was, I am.
Jn 8, 58

Many scholars look to the Old Testament prophets for a background for John’s use of “I am” in passages like the one we read today. Deutero- Isaiah uses the same Hebrew form “ego eimi that John uses in this verse, and the form is used to express YHWH’s revelation of the Divine Self to the people.

When Jesus tells those who are questioning him about his claim to have seem Abraham, Jesus uses the same words as Dt-Isa to identify himself as the one who reveals the One who sent him. As Barrett says in “Essays,” Jesus is not instructing the Jews to “…Look at me because I am identical with the Father,” but “Look at me for I am the one by looking at whom you will see the Father, since I make him known” (As quoted in the New Jerome Biblical Commentary, Johannine Theology 83:4).

Jesus continues to reveal the face of God to us, pointing not to himself, but to the one who sent him and to the work of brining God’s kingdom.

We can live our lives in a way that points not to ourselves, but to God.I think of people in my experience whose goodness and love drew me closer not only to them, but also to God. Saint John Newman’s prayer expresses the desire to reveal Jesus to others, as Jesus revealed the One who sent him:

Dear Jesus, help me to spread your fragrance everywhere I go.
Flood my soul with your spirit and life.
Penetrate my being so that all my life
may only be a radiance of you.

Shine through me, and so be in me
that every person I come in contact with
may feel your presence in my soul.
Let them look and see no longer me,
but only Jesus.

Stay with me, and then I shall begin to shine as you shine,
so to be a light to others.
The light, O Jesus, will be all from you;
none of it will be mine.
It will be you shining on others through me.

Let me thus praise you in the way you love best,
by shining on those around me.

Rublev’s Trinity Inviting us to join with the Trinity, the Family who is our God

I know that you are descendants of Abraham;
yet you look for an opportunity to kill me
because there is no place in you for my word.
I declare what I have seen in the Father’s presence;
as for you, you should do what you hear from the Father.
Jn 8, 37-38

I have always had difficulty with atonement theories that answered the question, “Why did Jesus have to die?” with the explanation that God’s justice demanded the death of God’s son in our stead. God sent the Son to die. That does not harmonize with my faith and experience of God as one who loves completely, forgives all, and desires unity with us and creation.

For many Christians, the idea of Jesus’ death as his bearing the punishment deserved by us (penal substitution or substitutionary atonement) is the only understanding of the cross that they have heard. It is not the only one.

There are others: Christ Victor, a more ancient, relational, and incarnational understanding of Jesus’ death- Jesus did not satisfy a Divine need for a bloody sacrifice, but rather came to be one with us and to free us from the power of sin; moral influence theory – Jesus death on the cross was the ultimate revelation of God’s love for us, and by its example, moves human beings to imitate that love in their lives.

Jesus’ words in today’s reading speak to my heat: “There is no place in you for my word.” Jesus’ entire life was his work, not just his death. The crucifixion was not God’s plan from all eternity. How could a loving God have such a need for bloody sacrifice? Even in the Hebrew Scriptures, references are found that say God does not desire bloody sacrifices, but pure hearts, hearts of love, hearts for God alone.

Jesus looked at those who desired to kill him and gave us the reason for the crucifixion: There was no room in their hearts for God’s word…for Jesus…for his example and life of radical love and inclusion. Jesus threatened them, and they wanted him dead. They could not embrace the Kingdom that he preached and that he lived.

Jesus, I try to empty my heart of all that crowds out your Love. Help me to have room within my being for your word. Help me join in your work, willing to suffer when those who are afraid of your mercy and forgiveness for all attempt to snuff it out in those who desire to follow your example.

They said to him, “Who are you?”
Jesus said to them,
“Why do I speak to you at all?”
Jn 8, 25

As I read the passage from John, these words stopped me dead. I have heard them before. I have muttered them myself. I smiled, not at Jesus’ frustration with those who never seemed to “get it” no matter how many ways he tried to say it: I am the one sent by God; When you see me, you see the Father; You have greater than John here…”

I smiled at the common human experience of not being able to make oneself understood. We have all been there. Mutual lack of understanding is built into the parent/child relationship. You many not be a parent, but everyone was a child. We can identify with the exasperation of the Son of God. Divinity not withstanding, he just couldn’t make those people understand.

Sometimes I think most of Jesus’ disciples were particularly dense. Or, more kindly, I imagine their minds were not open to a reality as radical as the one Jesus was presenting to them. I should choose the kinder interpretation because many times, I am standing right with them.

How often have I failed to recognize God-With-Me or doubted the Presence of the Holy One working in the world? Overcome with uncertainty, with the current state of humanity, I don’t get it. I don’t remember that as Julian of Norwich so positively proclaimed: “All will be well,” and that it will be well because the One Who Created All Things will not abandon what has been made.

One the other hand, I also know there are those who, like the Psalmist in today’s reading, are destitute, suffering beyond anything I have known, and who feel alone:

My heart is stricken and withered like grass;
I am too wasted to eat my bread.
Because of my loud groaning,
my bones cling to my skin.
I am like an owl of the wilderness,
like a little owl of the waste places.
I lie awake;
I am like a lonely bird on the housetop.
Ps 102, 4-7

Jesus wondered “Why try?” when he failed again and again to communicate his message to his followers. People suffering today from famine, oppression, poverty, and physical or mental illness wonder the same thing: “Why try?”

They feel abandoned by God, by the rest of humanity. They are alone, like the bird on the rooftop. Where is help? Where is hope?

We must offer it. Perhaps last night’s passage of the Health Care bill will be a step in the right direction for millions of Americans who have no place to turn for medical treatment for themselves or loved ones. We can hope.

We must strive “to get it,” to open our minds to Jesus’ radical message: Whoever sees him, sees the Father, and whomever we serve is the Christ. We are called both to recognize God in those suffering around us and to be Christ, bringing God’s loving Presence to them.

“THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE” Jesus Mafa

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery; and making her stand before all of them, they said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such a woman. Now what do you say?” Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened and said to them, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” And when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the elders; and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”
Jn 8, 3-5; 7-11

My feminine sensibilities require that I share my reaction to the early part of the story: The woman was caught in adultery and the Law instructed that she be stoned. Surely she did not commit adultery by herself, but the patriarchal structure of society is blatantly exposed by the omission of any male culpability. These types of stories make clear that fact that Scripture was written by men and from a male point of view.

Despite that history, the story is rich in meaning, revealing the human tendency to self-righteously pass judgment on others. Jesus would have none of it.In one of the many stories that show his counter-cultural relationship with women, he also shows us the face of our compassionate God. Jesus, the only one who could have cast a stone, being without sin, did not. Instead he enveloped the woman in loving forgiveness, sending her away with the admonition to sin no more.

He knew that we are all sinners; we just commit different kinds of sins. Some people are more inclined to sexual misconduct, and that seems to have worried the scribes and Pharisees more than sins of pride and callousness toward others. Human beings are creative in wrongdoing and often oblivious to their own. What about injustice, greed, theft, ignoring the poor, widows, and orphans? What about war that kills thousands of civilians or poisoning air, water, and soil, spoiling them for future generations? What about anger, abuse, and violence? The list of sins is long, and focusing on them in others can help us forget that they reside in us as well.

Putting someone down can make us feel important. Becoming pumped up with self and condemning those who don’t view the world as we do is easy for those whose love is imperfect: That is all of us. Jesus, on the other hand, who IS perfect Love, shows us the way of God: Love and forgiveness, respect and trust. He sends the woman on her way. He doesn’t follow her, make her sign a pledge, or require her to report back to him at a later date. He loves and trusts her to change her behavior for the better.

Forgiving God, give me a heart that does not need to judge others. Help me know that my worth comes not from being better than the people around me, but from being a your child, your beloved. Give me a heart that accepts, loves, and forgives myself as well as others.

PHOTO: “HEPATICA” by MARY VAN BALEN

Do not remember the former things,
or consider the things of old.
I am about to do a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
Is 43, 18-19

I was driving home and complaining to the One who claims to love me and watch over me, like sparrows, lilies, and hairs on my head. Most of my seventy-some job applications had disappeared without a whisper into the silence of cyberspace, and the few responses that had come back said, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Going to graduate school was a desirable alternative to finding a fulltime job, but that, too, was unsure.

“I am sick of not knowing what to expect,” I blurted out.

Tears threatened to overflow as I passed shabby billboards and last years corn fields while thinking about jobs I had done in the past and how they might help me find employment now. “Maybe I could go back into the classroom,” I thought. I am an enthusiastic, creative teacher, but conversations with friends working in schools were often filled with complaints about constant evaluations, excessive record keeping, curriculum determined by high stakes testing.

“Would it be too much to ask for SOME idea of what is ahead for me?”

God wasn’t talking.

I could waitress, having put myself through school working in a variety of restaurants. I smiled wryly remembering my daughters concern about that plan, thinking I am too old to keep up the hectic restaurant pace.

“In upscale restaurants, you have to remember everything, Mom. You can’t write it down,” one said. I guess she has doubts about my memory. Fair enough. Sometimes, I do, too. What else have I done? I rummaged through my past; I’ve done lots of things: taught elementary school, worked as an enrichment teacher and afterschool program director. I have been a camp counselor, a retreat center cook, and a GED teacher.

Panic squeezed my stomach and made me sick. Being jobless and going through a dissolution was wearing me down. I picked up the cell phone and called my sister.

“Hi, I need you to talk to me about having faith, trusting God, and all that. God isn’t talking to me, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to afford school; I’ve been holding onto that as a for-sure option if no work comes through.”

“Don’t put all your eggs in the grad school basket,” she said. “God may have something completely different in mind for you. You have to be willing to let that door close.”

She was probably right, but I don’t’ think she understood. I could handle letting one door close, even a favorite door, but I felt like every door was closing. I was getting claustrophobic. Something somewhere had to let light in.

Isaiah reminds me: “I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”

No, I don’t, not really. Holy Mystery, what keeps me from seeing what is unfolding before me? Give me patience and faith to believe that where I see nothing, you are busy bringing forth a new thing.
© 2010 Mary van Balen