First Published in The Catholic Times, November 8, 2015
“If the only prayer you said was ‘thank you,’ that would be enough.” Meister Eckhart
The morning’s darkness surprised me as I drove to work. Maybe it was the overcast sky threatening rain that simply blocked out morning sun. Or maybe it was the changing season, moving into winter when sun shines slant onto the earth. Either way, November was poised to replace my beloved October days of blue skies and crisp air.
October was full of friends’ birthdays (and my own), family visits, and trees flaming along the streets. I walked the beach and drove home from Virginia this October as turning leaves reached peak color. The past weeks have prompted many moments of gratitude. I Just wasn’t expecting the gray morning and dark drive home after work.
Rather than anticipating clear air and bright moons of the previous month, I now expect rainy, damp days and nights when brilliant leaves become a mess along roadsides. I once wrote a song celebrating October after a jubilant bicycle ride around my neighborhood. I’ve never written a song about November.
It is the month of our Thanksgiving holiday, though, and this year I’ve decided to spend the days leading up to it being faithful to a spiritual practice that’s been an on again off again part of my prayer life: keeping a gratitude journal.
I have the perfect journal. A gift from my daughter, its brown leather cover is hand-laced with leather both for decoration and for attaching the handmade paper signatures to the binding. A golden cat’s-eye stone graces the front. When she gave it to me, I thought for a week or two about what to write in it, settling on “Blessings.”
That was five years ago. Last year she saw it and said, “That must be filled up by now!” It wasn’t. Not by far. Like other “special” journals, it goes in and out of season. But this November, I’m pulling it off the shelf intending to write down each day’s gifts for which I am grateful.
A friend of mine inspired this. She is an adjunct theology professor and a hospital chaplain who barely makes ends meet. She works long hours and loves both her jobs, though neither pays her a fair wage.
“How ya doing?” I asked when we spoke over the phone a few weeks ago.
“I’m great,” she said. “Still barely squeaking by, but I started keeping a gratitude journal and I have to say, I have so much to be thankful for. Thinking about my day every evening and writing down good things that have filled it has changed my attitude.”
That makes sense. Being grateful requires awareness and being present to the moment—both disciplines that can grow and deepen. You have to notice things before you can be grateful for them: people, opportunities, beauty of leaves glazed with rain, kindness, a warm home, the moon high in a morning sky.
When times are difficult and painful, gratitude is hard-won. It may require long thought. Blessings might not be evident. But, sitting with the hurt or disappointment provide an opportunity to sit with God in it. Maybe we learn to let go of expectations and comparisons. Maybe we silence the critic within who’s saying we’re not good enough. Not always a “feel good” moment, these times invite us to focus on the greatest blessing: Sacred Presence.
So, this year, I hope to arrive at Thanksgiving Day with a more spacious heart, emptied of some of the clutter and ego that keep me from recognizing the Goodness and Presence within.
That will be a challenge. Life if full of violence and poverty. It can be ugly as well as beautiful. Can we find in our hearts something for which to be grateful when life is not pretty? When it’s difficult and challenging?
I don’t know what my blessings journal will contain by the time Thanksgiving arrives. Whatever it is, I hope it the practice will deepen my heart and develop the ability to be present, to notice, to open my eyes and to expect something good, in the midst of struggle as well as in times joy. To get up on rainy gray winter mornings and recognize something to love.
© 2015 Mary van Balen
Pope Francis also recommended Merton’s openness to God in a contemplative style of prayer. Merton in the midst of a world immersed in “noise” of all types—digital, visual, aural—pouring out of players, electronics, out of the depths of our souls, calls us to quiet presence. For those who fill up every moment with activity and distraction, he says, “Be still. Listen.”
A few days ago, Jenny Boylan wrote a great editorial in the New York Times about white privilege. It’s easy to miss it, if you’re white that is. Privilege is like that. When you’ve got it, it’s almost invisible to you while being obvious to those who don’t have it. I am a woman, so I recognize male privilege when I see it. I’m white, too. White privilege can escape my notice. I wouldn’t think of any transgender people, likely the most marginalized people in our society, as being privileged. Jenny Boylan didn’t either…
Life is like that, too. I don’t have the big picture. I may think I do, but really, I don’t. Making choices, pursuing one path instead of others, or doing nothing can lead to unrecognized places. Sometimes, the journey, full of twists and turns and takes me where I don’t want to go.
